MESSY LIFE BECAUSE OF BAD DECISION.

 I’ve been sleeping and eating a lot these days. Only when Ramadan is around I didn’t immerse my face in food as much. But I still sleep a lot. Been acting like I’m fine but I am not. Tried very hard to cover my tears, but I couldn’t anymore. A few of my precious people noticed my emotion.

 

I know I shouldn’t be sleeping a lot during Ramadan. That equal to wasting Ramadan that is here just for a while and now that it only has a few days left, I should really make full use of it.

 

But I swear to Allah, I have been making a lot of du’a. Praying that my heart will once again fall in love with His love. Praying that once Ramadan go, I will end all the sins I’ve committed intentionally.

 

I want to be the old me back then when I was 18 and 19 years old. The time where i felt all my submission to Him was so genuine and sincere. At that time, all the ibadah that I perform are solely from my heart. Hoping nothing in return except his bless. Even though at that time, I never know about my eternal life purpose, I was so motivated to submit myself to Him. I prayed to Allah to give me back those feeling. The feeling of doing all the ibadah purely out of love towards Him, because right now even though I am well aware of my purpose of life that has been clearly written by Him, I still struggle to do things just because of Him.

 

I’ve been struggling with work. I’ve been wishing for something that could feed my desire. Something that will fulfill my own wants. Wishing for something that could give me a faster way out. But you know, great things about being with the tarbiyah community is, every time you about to go astray, Allah will always shows you sign that you should rethink your thought and action.

 

Honestly, I don’t know the reason why I wanted to be a lawyer. All this time I told myself that it will be beneficial for the ummah, but being a daie can do the job too. I told myself that I have a useful knowledge, which is understanding the law, that could benefit a lot of people. But, there are many other ways that could benefit them too.

 

One thing for sure, right now I am clear, that this ummah need a lawyer who understand the teaching of Islam. Someone who understand that our legal system should be one from the Quran. So, every time I think about this, I felt that I am the person who should be doing it.

 

However, of course every time I had the thought, other thought come as well. Such as, when I become a lawyer, at some point in my life, I can be rich and I can afford an expensive car. And then there’s another thought of, why waste money on an expensive car when the function of a car is the same? To bring you from point A to point B. The extra money from buying an affordable car, can be use for dakwah instead. But, it’s actually fine right wishing to have an expensive car? It could be useful for dakwah too. While I dream of buying a Persona because I believe it is affordable coupled with the features that it has which very much needed for DnT, (accelerate better and bigger boots) I also dream of owning a Volvo. Now that it is no longer listed as one of the brands who supported Israel, I would definitely love to own one.

 

But you know, its true what Sheikh Ahmad Arrasyid said in his book, Muntalaq. Daie will always have to faced the pull of iman and nafs. And only iman can guide you to do the right decision.

 

As I am questioning my wants and desires, and as I’m about to make poor decision for my future, Allah always sent precious people to remind me that our purpose of life is to serve Him, not serving our own nafs.

 

It His redha that we seek.

 

Not our own redha.

 

That is what my murobbi said.

 

Another miraculous thing about being with this tarbiyah community is, your murobbi. She might not seem like she care, and in fact she did not know many things about her mutarobbi, but she always have this special instinct. Whatever words that comes from her sounds like she know what’s going on in my life.

 

Barakallahufik to her, I started to think more seriously about my future.

 

 

I actually stuck in a big mess. A mess I created intentionally while knowing the dire consequences. Believe it or not, I am aware of the negative effect, but because I followed my desire, my wants, I am now in a big problem.

 

If only people around me, especially the akhowat knows what have I done, trust me they will definitely lose hope on me. They will definitely scolded me with all their energy because what I did is very horrible and unacceptable for a tarbiyah kid.

 

I swear I acted as if I have not learn about akhlak from the Quran and, or at least someone who already learnt about 10 muwasofat tarbiyah. I messed up my life and only now I regretted my action.

 

I cried to Allah last night. I was unable to sleep thinking of what have I done and how messed up I am and this stupid things I did has been giving me a lot stress, hence been sleeping and eating a lot for the past few months till recently.

 

I finally see that the only way for me to get out of this stressful life is by taking this mess out of my life. I should be able to be independent on myself, and I should not be dependent on anyone else. I told myself that I am capable of being better than this and achieve greater things that these. So, I must put my trust and dependant on Allah and let Him help me walk through whatever obstacle. Because I would never be strong if it wasn’t for Him.

 

Ya Allah, I know you listen to my prayers. At time I felt like I have no more hope, you always show me signs that you always care. Therefore Ya Allah, for I don’t know how many times already, please give me another chance to change my life.